Renee opened the door. The interior room was dark. The curtains were drawn giving the room a perpetual gloominess. “Divia” she called. The house seemed to swallow her words. Heart lurching as her feet carried her deeper into the house. Opening their bedroom door. Looking around. Empty. Leaving the door ajar she moved towards the nursery. Heart beating painfully against her chest walls. She knew without a doubt she’d find her wife inside the nursery. The room they had decorated for their little girl. The one they never to got see or hold. The bright pink broke her heart a little more each time she went inside.
The agonizing moment when they received the call. The adoption agency had declined their application. Blinking back the stinging tear as her mind played back the impersonal voice telling them they had been declined upon further investigation. The same voice informing them they were unfit parents and would not be considered for further adoption opportunities. Just like that their hopes and dreams were gone.
Renee’s hand shook a she turned the door knob. The soft muffled sobs of her wife reached her ears the moment she opened the door. “Honey” he called out moving towards the sound. Dropping to her knees she pulled Divia into her arms. “It’s going to be ok” she whispered wondering if she really believed that anymore herself.
“No it wont” Divia cried body shaking.
“We just started invitro” Renee knew she was treading on thin ice but she had to try something. “We need to be patient.”
“It didn’t work” Divia wailed.
“It’ll work next time” Renee assured her.
“What if it doesn’t” Divia persisted.
Stroking her wifes long blue hair Renee remained silent. There was no good answer to that. They couldn’t adopt not after what happened with their little girl. She’d like to find out who had informed the adoption agency of their so-called issues that made them unfit candidates. She had a few things to say to them. “I don’t know” she admitted softly. “What I do know is we can’t continue to mope around like we have been.”
“But” Divia stirred in her arms.
“No” Renee brushed her finger tips over Divia’s cheeks. “Hear me out. We can’t go on like this. We need a change. The doctor even suggested we get away for a while. What better place than Isla Paradiso? Charity offered to let us stay at the resort.”
Indecision shone bright in Divia’s amber eyes “I don’t know.” Her hand rested on the pink crib gently caressing it. “It’s time” she sighed. “Do you think” she inhaled a deep breath. Held it a moment before continuing “can we have someone come in while we’re gone and get rid of all this?”
“Are you sure” Renee asked holding Divia’s face between her hands and peering intently into her eyes.
“No” Divia’s voice was small and shaky “but it needs to be done. I can’t hold onto something we never even had.”
“Alright” Renee squeezed her tight “I’ll make arrangements.”
“Thank you” Divia said in a voice barely audible.
Walking along the beach Divia leaned into Renee. “Thank you for being so patient with me.”
Draping an arm around her trim waste Renee smiled down at Divia. “Anything for you darling.”
Smiling up at her Divia giggled “that’s so sappy.” Before Renee knew what she was doing Divia took off running along the sand.
Giving chase Renee caught up to her. Tripping on the loose sand she sent both of them sprawling to the ground. Laughing she glanced down into Divia’s eyes that were shining happily up at her. Trying not to think of the months that the same beautiful eyes had been dull and lifeless orbs Renee murmured “I love you.” She nuzzled Divia’s neck bringing her lips closer to her full soft lips. Their lips locked in a mutual sensual dance brushing lightly across each others melding their souls together.
When their lips lost contact with each other they became aware of the sounds around them. The cat calls from a group of teen boys ogling them. “I think we have an audience” Renee whispered to Divia helping her up from the sand.
“I don’t care” Divia giggled glancing over her wife’s shoulder at the young boys. “Let them watch” she said situating herself into her wife’s lap. “I’m tired of worrying about what other’s think. I want to be happy.” Leaning back her long hair flowing across her bare back “are you happy” Renee asked holding her breath.
Lifting her hands to Renee’s cheeks she peered deep into her eyes. Her lips twitched “you know I think I am.” Her smile grew encompassing her entire face. “I didn’t think I would be but I am.”
“You have no idea how that makes me feel” Renee sighed pressing her forehead to Divia’s.
“I’m sorry” she murmured “I’ve been so absorbed in how I felt I never stopped to think you were hurting too.”
“Its alright” Renee assured her.
“No it’s not” Divia shook her head “I was selfish feeling I was the only one hurting.”
“It’s ok” Renee closed her eyes absorbing the peace of the moment. The raucous call of sea gulls, the roar of the waves crashing onto the shoreline, the gentle hum of subdued conversations of others on the beach. It was a moment she’d treasure. “Don’t go” she protested when Divia moved to get up.
“We have just enough time to change before meeting up with Hannah and Charity” she said holding her hand out to help Renee up.
“I forgot” she groaned “can’t we postpone it.” She wrapped her arms around her wife drawing her close.
“I wish we could” Divia giggled as Renee’s fingers traveled up her spine. Stepping back she took Renee’ hand and started walking towards the resort. “It’s the last chance we have to see Hannah and the kid before they fly back to Brooklyn Heights.”
“But we can see them there” Renee pouted.
“Don’t whine” Divia advised squeezing her hand “we have more time together before we have to go home. Plenty of time to pursue those naughty little thoughts in your head.”
“Who said they were naughty” Renee protested.
“I know you” Divia giggled “that look in your pretty blue eyes tells me what you’re thinking.” Stopping just outside the resort door “if you want any of them to come true you’ll quit complaining.”
“I’m not complaining” she raised her hand “scouts honor.”
“You’re not a scout” she laughed pushing the door open. “Hi Mr Hollis” she waved at the pink haired male at the hotel front desk. He waved at her in a somewhat distracted manner. “What’s up with that” she asked perplexed
“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice the hottie” Renee giggled.
Frowning she looked around the lobby “what hottie?”
Nodding towards an older male in shorts talking to a couple of teenagers. “Him” Renee said keeping her voice low.
“No way” Divia protested “he’s old. He has to be close to my parent’s age.”
“I didn’t say I thought he was hot” Renee laughed “but the way Mr Hollis was looking at him he thought so.”
“Eew gross” Divia scrunched up her face.
“Act your age” Renee rolled her eyes “he’s a single good-looking guy. Why shouldn’t he be interested in someone?”
“I don’t know” Divia frowned “it’s just weird. I’ve known him since I was five years old. I don’t see him as anything but Charity’s dad not some sexual being.”
Renee kept a cautious eye on Divia as she knelt to play with three toddlers at once. “Mama” one of them called launching himself at Hannah’s knees. “There’s my little man” she laughed picking him up. “You know who this is” she asked pointing at Renee.
Shaking his head snuggling her close “no” he whispered in her ear.
“Of course you do” she encouraged.
“Rae” he murmured between his chubby little fingers. “Down” he demanded after a moment trying to wriggle out of his mother’s arms.
“Christopher” she chastised him. “What do you say?”
“Peas” he giggled “down peas.”
Setting him down he made tracks for Charity’s twin boys Loyal and Noble. One of the boys took Divia’s hand tugging with determination to get her to follow them.
“How is she doing” Hannah asked her voice low.
Dragging her eyes from her wife Renee smiled “better. Much better.”
“That’s good” she put a comforting hand on the woman’s shoulder. “I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for the both of you.”
“It wasn’t so bad until the adoption fell through” Renee sighed.
“What happened with that” Charity asked joining them.
Keeping a wary eye on Divia she said “the agency said there were inconsistencies in our application.”
“That’s kind of vague” Hannah said sitting down on the nearby couch. “Didn’t they say anything else?”
“Go ahead and tell them” Divia encouraged joining them of the boys in her arms. “Charity deserves to know.”
“What do mean I need to know” Charity asked looking confused.
“The adoption agency Zane gave us as a referral was bogus” Divia explained.
“Evidently they only ever made one adoption before they closed” Renee added “otherwise it was a house where young girls could go to have their babies.”
“My adoption was legal though” Charity insisted.
“It would seem so otherwise you would have run into problems before now. Yours evidently was the only one. Your’s being legal made it easy to use a front for other less legal things.”
“I’m so sorry” Divia moved to sit beside her friend “it’s awful you had to find out this way.”
Wiping at the tears she sniffed “that doesn’t mean Zane knew anything about the illegal stuff. I doubt he would have offered it as a referral if he had known.”
Hannah moved over to her side “I’m sure you’re right. Zane’s a lot of things but not even he would do something like that. Donnie Hollis on the other hand might. I wonder if he had anything to do with your adoption?”
“I hope not” Charity lifted horrified eyes to her friends “please don’t mention any of this to my dad. He’s been through too much as it is.”
“We promise” they assured her.
“Mama” Loyal said coming up to her putting a small hand on her knee “sad”.
“Yes mama’s sad” she sniffed “but not anymore.” She said tickling the little boy making him squeal with delight. After he toddled off satisfied that his mama was alright she said “thanks. He’s so fragile right now.”
“Is Zane still coming around” Hannah asked.
“Yeah he doesn’t seem to understand it’s over” she blinked back more tears. “He doesn’t see the damage he’s done. The betrayal.”
“What your dad needs is to find someone new” Renee said filling the silence.
“He’s been hurt enough” Charity protested.
“They do say you need to get back on the horse after you fall off” Hannah said raising an eyebrow at her. “Are there any eligible men we could set him up with?”
“I saw one in the lobby” Renee giggled “Graham could hardly take his eyes off him.”
“Do you mean the new maintenance man” Charity asked.
“So you have noticed the way your dad looks at him” Renee giggled causing them all to laugh.
Three months later Renee opened the door to her house. It had been a difficult day. Her thoughts kept going back to the fairly recent announcements from Hannah and Charity that they pregnant again. She tried share in their joy. To be happy for them. She just couldn’t. She expected to come home to find the house dark and Divia huddled on the floor crying.
With a sinking heart she knew today was that day. The house was dark. Silent. She could hear the ticking of the kitchen clock. “Divia” she called knowing there’d be no response. For a moment she wanted to turn around and run. Run as far away as she could. She couldn’t go through this again. The crushing depression. The debilitating hour of lying awake for hours wondering why. Why were they destined to be childless? Why them? The questions ever ceased. Neither did the hollow empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. She was tired of pretending to be happy watching your friends families grow while yours stayed the same. Stagnant
Worst of all was the jealousy. It ate you up inside. Se put a hand over her mouth to muffle the anguished cries choking her. She leaned on the wall almost hoping it would topple over and crush her.
Gulping a lungful of air she held it. Counting to ten closing her eyes and repeating to herself she had to be strong. Divia needed her to be strong. Pushing off the wall she continued through the house. “Divia” she called again fearing the worst.
She opened the old nursery door, empty ow of all remnants of the pink fantasy they had created for their little girl to come home to. It was dark. Sad. Shivering she closed the door on their hopes and dreams. Opening the room she shared with Divia expecting to find the blue haired girl sobbing into her pillow.
A frown creased her forehead as that room too was empty. Where was she? Her heart ached in her chest as her mind imagined a hundred awful scenarios. Had Divia wandered off? Had she down something awful to herself in her depressed state of mind? She knew how easily depression could affect your thoughts and entertain ideas you wouldn’t normally. She hadn’t thought it was that bad? What if he had been wrong? Had she missed the warning signs?
There was one more door to try. If Divia wasn’t in there she’d have to call everyone they knew. She wouldn’t leave a rock unturned until she found her. The door knob clicked as she opened it. Her breath whistled out of her as Divia looked up at her from the floor a stunned expression upon her face. Renee’s eyes focused on a stick the girl held between her fingers. Taking a deep breath she met her wife’s eyes “I thought we agree to wait…”
“We did …. I ….” a large beautiful radiant smile spread across her face. “I hadn’t felt well for days. I thought it was the flu. I mentioned it to Hannah who laughed at me saying it sounded more like morning sickness.”
“So you took a test” Renee’s voice was flat tinged with fear. “What does it say?”
Holding it out for her to see Divia giggled “positive. It says positive.”
Staring at the positive test result Renee felt the fear, the anxiety drain from her body. “Pregnant” she whispered as she let Divia pull her into a hug. “I can’t believe it” she mumbled crying softly.
“Neither can I” Divia squeezed her tight “I hope it’s a boy.”
“I thought you wanted a girl Renee said looking into her wife’s happy face.
“I want a boy” she said firmly “Dad would love to teach him how to ride. To be a cool dude like him.”