Ian – I wish I could hate you

Ian stared at the papers Celia had tossed under his nose. With trembling fingers he took them in a sort of daze. Her signature plain to see and recognizable next to his. He hadn’t wanted to do this, hadn’t thought she’d go along with it. He had hoped it would make her wake up and see what she was doing to him, to them, to their family. He had been wrong. “Celia….”

Stopping with her hand on the door she heaved a sigh, shoulders shaking “what?” she demanded without turning to look at him.

“Why? Just why?” his voice shook as he tried to maneuver his wheelchair closer to her.

“I thought this is what you wanted,” she said refusing to meet his gaze “you’re the one who had the papers drawn up. I’m giving you what you want. Does there have to be anything else?”

“Yes” he stated his tone desolate. He knew there was more to it than that. He knew her. Loved her. Yes he loved her, always would even when it hurt.

“I don’t love you Ian,” she sighed hanging her head “not enough not to keep from hurting you. I gave our daughter away. I refused to be a mother to Katrina and Garrett so your Dad took them. I can’t even look at you without feeling sick. I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough.” Turning she lifted her eyes “I’m tired of trying. Tired of hurting you and the kids. Please let me do this. It’ll be better for all of us in the long run.”

“This isn’t what I want,” he shouted at her desperate to make her understand “I love you. The kids love you…..”

“No” she shouted back at him raising her hands to cover her ears “you only think you love me. It’s conditioned in you to hold on to me but I’m asking you to let me go. If you don’t I’ll continue to cause you to hurt and I don’t want that.”

“That’s not true,” he shook his head in disbelief “whether you stay or you go won’t change the fact that I love you. I know how I feel and as much as I wish I could hate you I can’t. Never will. One day I’m going to make you see that. Maybe not today or tomorrow but I’m going to get you back.”

“Then you’re a fool Ian,” she blinked back tears forcing the words out “I don’t love you and one day you’ll have no choice but to accept that.” This time she walked away and closed the door firmly behind her. Leaning on the door she whispered “I wish I could hate you. It would make it so much easier.”

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