Chapter 36 – Disappointment

Perhaps it was his heightened anxiety but as Trebor entered into the Director’s office his mind was filled with past memories. Memories he’d rather forget. It had been years since he’d been the victim of harassment in the very same room yet the memories seemed to be just beneath the surface. 

Standing, the older man who had taken the position of Director of Medicine held his hand out for Trebor to take. “Thank you for meeting with me. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything important.”

Shaking the man’s hand, Trebor tried to work saliva into his dry mouth. He hated small talk that felt more like prying than anything else. He forced a smile to his lips “nothing my husband can’t handle on his own. Our little monster will have soaked him instead of me during his bath.” He tried to make light of it; although it was one of his favorite times he cherished with his son.

“Ah yes I remember those days,” the older man smiled, taking his seat behind the desk fondly shaking his head. “The reason why I called you today is to discuss your future here at the hospital.”

Nodding Trebor took one of the chairs in front of the man’s desk. “Yes sir,” he murmured, sounding calmer than he felt.

Shuffling through a folder on his desk the Director glanced up, eyes and manner serious. “Your residency ends next month. You’ve done exceedingly well despite…” he paused, his forehead creasing as he groped for the right words.

Trebor looked up sharply “despite my circumstances,” he finished for him. “The hospital has been wonderful working with me and the um difficulties I’ve encountered.”

“Well yes…we do our best to work to provide the best experience possible for our residents. I appreciate that you are able to see that we’ve been exceedingly fair with you.” He steepled his hands in front of him, elbow resting on the smooth surface of the desk. “You are an excellent doctor.”

Trebor dug his nails into the palm of his hand. He knew what the next words would be. He wasn an excellent doctor but they couldn’t use him at the hospital. He could feel the first of many tremors run down his legs as he groped to deal with the implications. What alternatives did he have? When he started his residency he hadn’t planned to stay in the city. 

That all changed the moment he met Braylin. He couldn’t ask Bray to give up his position on the team he loved. Bray loved the city. His teammates. Bray had worked so hard to get where he was. Taking a deep breath as he stood to leave “I understand.”

Relief relaxed the lines in the older man’s face. “I’m sure you’ll find a suitable position…”

Trebor didn’t want to hear the platitudes of well meaning words that meant nothing. His chest felt tight as if a boulder was pressing against him squeezing the breath out of him. It wasn’t lost on him that the Director hadn’t even offered to write him a recommendation. He was on his own. All his hard work and sacrifices had been for nothing.

***

Stunned he didn’t notice Eli until he almost walked into him as he turned from the closed door of the directors office. “Hey” Eli reached out stopping Trebor with his hands on either shoulder “I was hoping to catch you before you left.” Studying his friend’s face and reading the near panic in Trebor’s eyes he asked “what’s wrong?”

“I … um …” he ran his tongue across his bottom lip. Lifting mournful eyes to meet Eli’s “I don’t know what to do. I have nowhere to go…”

Tugging on his arm, Eli pulled him into a nearby supply room. “What did the Director say to you?” 

“He … he…” Trebor didn’t know how to explain what just happened. His hand groped for the wall behind him as if he needed the support. His chest began to heave as he fought to drag air into his lungs.

Grabbing Trebor by the shoulder’s “look at me,” Eli demanded recognizing the beginnings of a panic attack. “Follow me. In. Out. Just breathe. Don’t say anything. Just breathe.” After several minutes once he felt that Trebor’s breathing was somewhat under control he nodded asking “what did he say?” He could guess but he wanted Trebor to say it.

Crossing his arms in front of him Trebor seemed to be trying to shrink into himself. “He said I was a good doctor despite everything.” A strangled sob escaped him “I don’t have a position once my residency is over.”

Eli’s mouth dropped. Righteous anger on behalf of his friend had him wanting to go bursting into the Director’s office. “That’s ridiculous,” his words sputtered, “you’re the best doctor here, me included.”

A slight smile brightened Trebor’s face “that’s nice of you to say…”

The defeat Eli could hear in Trebor’s voice had his anger rising “you’re not going to just give up are  you?”

“What else can I do?” he cried, turning away, his shoulder’s jerking beneath his shirt. “I know I wasn’t going to be offered a position…yet I hoped.” It would have been so easy. Neitherhe nor Braylin would have to decide whose career was more important. If he had been offered a position here he could continue doing what he loved and Bray could continue to play with the team he loved.

“There are other hospitals…” Eli began to point out but the fear in Trebor’s eyes had him closing his mouth. He knew the other hospitals in the city were in bad neighborhoods and with Trebor’s panic attacks he’d never cope.

“Don’t you think I know that,” Trebor’s voice was loud and cracking with stress. “What good does it do? I’d never be able to work in them…” He ran his arms up and down, shivering a little in the room. He knew his anxiety would never let him work in those hospitals. He’d be forever looking over his shoulder. Jumping at every unexpected noise. In a small voice like he was trying to disappear “the Director didn’t even offer to give me a recommendation.”

“What? That’s not fair,” Eli cried.

Trebor’s eyes blinked several times as his eyes began to sting. All the years of hard work and dedication were slowly circling the drain. “Yeah well,” he shrugged, “there’s nothing I can do. It is what it is.” He had always hated when people said that. Now he understood it. There wasn’t anything that could be done. He just had to accept it.

“We’ll figure something out,” Eli squeezed Trebor’s shoulder, his chin jutting out like he could make it so just by willing it into existence.

“We?” Trebor asked, meeting Eli’s eyes. “But you’re moving.”

“We are,” Eli nodded. “Lona and I aren’t crazy about raising our kids in the city.”

“Oh,” all the air escaped his lungs. He slumped against the wall “I guess you’ll be moving away…” The future seemed even bleaker than ever before without his best friend and favorite cousin. He couldn’t imagine not getting together for play dates with the kids or the occasional double date with the kids with a babysitter.

“You can always come with us,” Eli invited. “You always said you wanted to go back to Sunlit Tides.”

“You’re moving back home,” his homesickness twisted his stomach. “I can’t ask Bray to move. Not after all the work he’s done to get back on the team. It’s his dream. I can’t ask him to give that up.”

Eli raised an eyebrow “are you sure about that? Don’t make decisions for him.”

“I guess…”

Eli could hear the doubt but he persisted “just ask him. See what he says.”

***

Braylin knew as soon as Trebor came through the door that something was wrong. It wasn’t until he heard the muffled sob that he hopped up from the couch and joined Trebor in the entryway. “Tell me what happened,” he requested, reaching for him gently pulling Trebor into his arms.

Trebor’s bottom lip quivered as one emotion after another raced through him leaving feeling like a limp doll. “I only ever wanted to be a doctor,” his hands moved to cover his face, shoulders shaking as sobs coursed through his body. 

“Who said you couldn’t be a doctor?” Braylin asked gently, running his hands up and down Trebor’s back in a soothing motion he often used when their son woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream.

“I don’t know what to do,” he gulped for air “my residency is up next month. I thought I’d be offered a position …”

“Oh,” Braylin murmured, unsure what else to say. He could only imagine it’d be like finding he was being traded to another team. “Aren’t there other hospitals?” He wasn’t sure how residencies worked.

Trebor’s body shuddered as he wrestled to reign in his emotions. “Yeah but they’re all in bad neighborhoods…” He sniffled “I don’t think I’d feel safe working at any of them.”

Braylin continued to rub a hand up and down his back “what about going into private practice? Aren’t there smaller clinics you could apply at?”

“I suppose…”

Braylin could hear the reluctance in Trebor’s tone. “You’d still be a doctor. Isn’t that what you want?”

“But not the right kind,” he mumbled, wiping a hand across his eyes.

An almost forgotten memory of a conversation they once had came to mind. Trebor had told him of his dreams “a heart surgeon. You always wanted to go back to Sunlit Tides.”

“I know we can’t…”

“Who said we can’t?”

“Well…what about the team?” Trebor sniffed, craning his neck to look up at Braylin. 

“I could always travel back and forth when training began. It wouldn’t be ideal but we could make it work.” He caressed Trebor’s face between his hands “it’ll require adjustments but we can make it work.”

“Are you sure?” Trebor sniffed, feeling as if someone had handed him a life preserver. “I don’t want to hinder your career.”

Smiling a little as he leant down placing a kiss on Trebor’s forehead. “I wouldn’t suggest it if I wasn’t sure.” He ran his thumb across Trebor’s face, drying the tears. He could see the worry and doubt in Trebor’s eyes as they gazed up at him. “It’s going to be ok. It’ll take some work to make it work but I know we can. I promise it’s going to be alright.”