Chapter 39 – Falling off the Wagon

Braylin glanced up at the sound of a nearby locker being slammed shut. “John,” he cried, his voice lifting in a question while his eyes watched his friend with concern.

John scowled over at Braylin “don’t say it?” he warned, grabbing his hockey stick and heading towards the door.

Bray heard the slightly slurred words and the dark rimmed eyes made him wonder if his friend was nursing one hell of a hangover. He recognized the signs. Knew that his friend had fallen off the wagon. Before John slipped through the exit door he called after him. “After practice how about you and I taking in an AA meeting? It’s been awhile for both of us.” He made it a suggestion, careful to keep his words light, without heat or demand.

John stopped, hand on the door, turning slightly his mouth curled “yeah ok.” What came out sounded more like grunts, lacking any real enthusiasm or conviction. 

Joining John by the door Braylin reached out, squeezing his shoulder. “What’s up? Talk to me.”

Jerking from his touch John glared at him before turning and stumping from the locker room without saying another word.

Staring after him Braylin sighed before following him onto the ice. For a second there he thought John was going to hit him. Absently he skated on the ice, his mind trying to figure out why John was mad at him. The whole situation was dredging up uncomfortable memories from the past. A past where he was the one lashing out at his friends and family and coming into practice feeling as if his head were about to fall off. 

During practice he felt as if he were on autopilot. Going through the motions and not much else. His mind was on his friend. His insides twisting with worry. The more he worried the more certain he was that he was right. The question now was how he could help his friend get back on track.

After practice Braylin kept a wary eye on John, afraid he’d try to leave without telling him. It had been something Bray himself had done in the past when someone offered to take him to a meeting. Despite his care he did almost miss him as John finished before him and made a beeline towards the door. “John,” he called out, “wait up.”

John seemed to hesitate at the door before he turned and glared at Braylin. His eyes shifted as if he had been caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. “I know I said I’d go but I um…” He shrugged, staring at the floor unable to meet Bray’s eyes “something came up.” He took a couple of steps, backing towards the door ready to make his escape.

“John, please,” Braylin blurted, afraid he’d just walk out the door “don’t do this.”

“Do what? Leave?” Anger turned his words harsh. “What do you think I’m going to do? Have a bender?”

Bray could hear the desperation beneath the anger tinged words. Taking a deep breath he said “isn’t that what you’re doing?”

“You’re the one who would know,” he snapped, turning and rushing from the locker room, slamming the door behind him. 

“Hey,” Braylin yelled after him, hastily shoving his feet into his untied shoes  and rushing after him. “I’m trying to help you,” he called after John who was almost to the exit.

Whirling around, eyes narrowed, lip curled “help me! Where were you when I needed you?”

Bray stopped dead in his tracks as he was buffeted by John’s raw emotions. “I didn’t … I don’t…”

“You don’t know, do you? My so-called best friend has no clue what kind of hell I’ve been living in,” John’s chest heaved as the words came spewing out of him.

Shaking his head, feeling as if he’d been slapped. “I’m sorry. I don’t know. I wish I did.” His mind was racing trying to see what he’d missed. What he was supposed to have known and didn’t.

A mirthless chuckles ripped through John’s chest as his eyes streamed with helpless tears. “How long have we been friends? How many times have I been there for you?” He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple moving up and down “the least, the very least  you could have done was ask how I was doing.”

“I … I don’t …” Bray struggled to see through this maze, to see what he should have known but didn’t. It came crashing down all around him when he heard John murmure a name. A single name and four years suddenly dropped away. “Wally?” With a sickening lurch in the pit of his stomach he remembered how John had wanted to introduce him to someone. Someone he said had become his whole world “Wally was the one, wasn’t he?”

Ignoring the question John asked “do you know how difficult it was for me to pretend I didn’t know him or even like him? How hard it was to see him every day and know if I messed up it could mean someone I cared about could be hurt or killed?”

“What?” the simple word came out in a whisper. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You knew? All this time you knew and you didn’t tell me. Didn’t warn me.”

“I couldn’t,” John lifted his hands as if beseeching him to understand. “I had to pretend just like Wally did. It meant his life.” A shudder visibly shook his entire body “they’d have killed him if they knew what he was.”

Crossing his arms Bray asked “and what was he?” 

“My boyfriend,” John raised his eyes, meeting Bray’s head on. “A gay man with the ability to reproduce his own biological children. Everything those purists hated. He was right there among them. Pretending to be one of them knowing that one slip up could mean his life. Trebor’s life.” Squeezing the bridge of his nose “do you know why he did it? He wanted to make a difference. To be part of making a better future for our kids. So that they could live without fear of who and what they are.”

Stunned, Bray felt as if he’d never seen John before, one of his dearest and oldest friends. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” It didn’t feel like it was enough.

Hugging his arms around himself John said “I wanted you to meet him…”

Nodding Braylin remembered the dinner plans, the almost giddy happiness that had seemed to surround John at the time. “You said he was the one. The one you wanted to grow old with.”

“I was going to ask Wally to marry me. I still do…” His face puckered as if he were on the verge of tears. “He won’t see me or take my calls. Not once after I came to pick him up from the hospital when they released him. Not since he told me to move on with my life. To forget about him.”

“I’m sorry,” and once more the feeling that it wasn’t enough swept through him. “Maybe I could talk to him. Maybe he’ll talk to me.” He didn’t think Wally would want to talk to him but he had to at least try.

“Would you?” The pathetic hope that lit up John’s eyes almost made Bray wish he hadn’t suggested it.

“If he takes my call. I’ll try.” It felt like a flimsy promise but he didn’t want to give his friend false hope. Putting an arm around John’s shoulders he said “for now let’s go to the meeting.”

John leaned into Bray as if he’d lost all his strength and needed to borrow some of his. “I tried. I really did but it got to be too much. Losing Wally. Then you and Trebor moved away. It didn’t seem to be worth the effort. I just wanted all the pain and loneliness to go away.”

“I know,” Bray whispered, holding him tight “I’m here now. You can lean on me.”